Derby Wifery

I do not have a derby wife. It's not that I disapprove of derby marriage, it's more that I'd feel awkward, perhaps even silly asking one of the girls in my league to be mine. Would they think I was secretly hitting on them? Would I be? Do I want to be a derby husband instead? These are the questions I'm faced when I consider foregoing my derby bachelorette-hood.

Some of you might be asking, "What exactly is a derby wife, again?" A derby wife is a woman, presumably on your team or in your league, who is your go-to girl, your derby soul-mate. A surprising number of definitions online describe her as the one holding your hair back while you vomit, which either tells us something about roller derby or about the people trying to define the sport's culture. Simply put, your derby wife is your  number one support - she might keep you motivated to stay skate-ready, she might untie your skates for you after you've hit the ground and are too dazed to deal with things like shoelaces, she might call you on your shit when necessary. Your derby wife is your partner.

There are some criticisms of the convention of derby wives. There's concern that this kind of pairing off of besties is a retreading of the kind of cliqueish behaviour that drove so many of us away from the society of other women in the first place. It can be easy to feel excluded when surrounded by intense bonds. I think those concerns have merit. Everyone in a league deserves the best possible chance of feeling welcomed and sometimes we forget how hard it can be to take those first steps into making friends with total strangers. If we are to support derby wife culture, we need to make sure we don't forget about the single ladies putting their hands up.

Because the derby wife phenomenon can be a wonderful thing. It's at the heart of what makes derby great: women coming together to support and challenge each other. Female friendship is incredibly fraught with societal pressures about competing with other women, particularly for male attention and the various successes of womanhood, namely marriage, babies, etc (which are not in and of themselves bad things). It can be incredibly hard to have healthy friendships with other women while operating within that system.

As I've said before in this blog, so many of my friends in derby have said, "I've never really had many female friends before roller derby". Roller derby creates a space where we compete on the track and we leave it on the track. When the clock isn't going, we allow ourselves just to be friends without the heinous fuckery of worrying our friends are thinner, prettier, and more adequate women than we are. And whether we want to identify one player as the focal point of that friendship and support or (like me) stay a derby lothario, we still engage in a community of female friendship that can be crucial to a woman's self-care.

So, I say, if you have your eye on a derby girl, feel free to make an 'honest' woman of her. But don't forget your sisters of skate, at least not once the honeymoon is over.